I am floating, like a balloon

Until you catch me. 

Your hand wraps around me in an embrace and tells me, 

I have you, don’t worry. 

And I believed you,

Because right then 

That’s what I wanted,

what I needed;

to feel safe, to feel loved. 

But that’s when the wind picks up.

It happens too fast, and too strong, and then I was out of your arms.

I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

 

I am floating, like a ghost.  

Drifting from life to life.

But never being on the same plane as anyone else,  

I didn’t even know I was doing it half the time. 

I saw you but I felt that you didn’t see me. 

Which made me sad. 

But then angry, not at you, only me;

Always me. 

Do better be better, I whispered to myself 

Do better be better 

Do better be better 

I was never better, not from that. 

My eyes looked haunted but I never gave you the chance to ask me why, I know that now. 

I’m sorry. 

But I couldn’t stop. 

And so I floated on.

Not because I wanted to,

But because that was the only thing I knew how to do.

 

I am floating, like a petal.

Taken hostage by the wind. 

The wind that clouded my mind.

That fogged my brain. 

That fed the angry fire which tried to burn me inside out.

But I didn’t fight it hard enough, I wish I had gotten out of its grasp sooner, for you.

For us. 

But that story would be a fairytale and the truth is 

I let things get worse before it got better.

I danced to the beat of the wind and not the beat of my heart. 

 

I am no longer floating, but now I am 

Grounded. 

Grounded like the mountains standing as tall as gentle giants.

Grounded like the grass reaching their bodies to the scorching sun. 

Grounded like the rivers flowing through the earth in zig zags. 

Out of all their willingness to stand and make their own path,

I found strength in myself to push back to you, 

Hoping you still remembered your balloon. 

---

I was thinking about my mom when writing this piece and how a feel like I have kind of drifted away from her in the past year. This was an accumulation of my feelings towards her and my life at the time.

 

Feature Image: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/balloon-gif